1-02 | “I Hope You Don’t Exist!”
I’m so glad God is patient with me
Even now those words make me cringe a little. But I understand where I was at the time and I wasn’t cringing then.
This post is a follow up from what I said in last week’s post. Just a little clarification. :)
“I hope you don’t exist!” Yeah…I said that. And even as I did, I knew I was talking to a very real God.
Just like you, I’ve gone through my share of hard times. To call them “hard times” doesn’t attribute to them the severity they deserve. We’ve struggled through sickness, death, financial trouble, depression, identity crises, joblessness and more. Our daughter almost died and I had a stroke! As soon as I say that, I realize that so many (some of you) have gone through much more.
There’s heartbreak and hardship going on in the world right now. I can’t stop thinking about the innocent victims in Israel, Palestine, Ukraine and so many more places.
Then there’s us. Our struggles may not be on the level of wars between nations, but doesn’t God concern himself with us personally? We need a break and ask for it over and over again, but the waves keep coming.
“Is anyone there?”
“If there is a God, why…?”
“If there is a God, he’s mean.”
These are the kinds of questions and statements we were never supposed to express. The fact is that human hardship is the single biggest contributor to the deconstruction of faith.
I always thought living for God was supposed to bring protection from all that. I was taught that if I live clean and give my money (especially if I give my money), bad things aren’t supposed to happen. I would have divine protection over my life and my stuff. I used to teach that. (smh)
Psalm 91 was a favorite…
Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
3 For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
4 He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
nor the arrow that flies in the day.
6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
7 Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.
Psalm 91:1-7
My life and Psalm 91 don’t seem to go together. That was always part of my inner faith struggle even when I was a pastor. I mean, living for God hasn’t worked like that. “Promises” like these are, for some reason, for others. Then I revisit verse 2 above. Go ahead…read it.
Verse 2 - “He alone is my refuge; my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.”
“…my refuge…my place of safety…I trust him.”
Psalm 91 is the expression of one person working out their faith in God. We don’t know who wrote this piece of poetry. Many think it came from Moses and was complied by King David in his book of psalms. I’m sure it brought David much comfort, not as a promise that nothing would happen to him (we know he had it rough), but as encouragement that God would not leave him in his times of trouble.
Besides all that, the Bible seems to be clear that suffering is part of the human experience. It doesn’t prescribe an antidote to reverse its affects or make us immune. That’s not what grace does and certainly not what tithing does. God is not a helicopter parent, but a refuge when life gets overwhelming. Our place of safety.
It’s hard to explain, but I find true refuge when I shut my mouth, breathe and let God come into my mess. I’ve said the words, “I trust you” over and over again. Sometimes because I do trust him…sometimes because I’m trying to convince myself. I believe he is good even if I occasionally wonder if he’s paying attention. I’m just glad that God is patient, knows my heart and lets me vent.
So yeah. I’ve shaken my fist at God and blamed him for controlling life’s big fan that indiscriminately disperses crap wherever it pleases. But I don’t really believe that. Oh, I believe in the big fan. I’ve waded through enough of its smelly offerings to be convinced of its existence. I’ve just come to know that God isn’t the one tossing all the crap into it.
So there is life’s big crappy fan and there is God. I’m choosing God. Not by the flip of a coin or for some temporary sense of comfort. Not out of fear of divine retribution if I don’t choose him. Not because I’ve paid him off (tithed) so to expect his protection like he’s some kind of mob boss. I just believe in him.
When belief is a struggle, I take a look around and realize that I’m still here. We are still here. You an I. We’ve come through a lot, but we didn’t come out unscathed. Each scar we bear tells its own story of trouble. And all of them together scream a defiant, “F you!” to life’s big fan.
We’re still standing, not in our own strength, but in our Lord’s sufficient grace. We enter tired and weathered so he casts his shadow of refuge over us and shelters us in the safety of his wings. What beautiful imagery from that inspired poem.
God wins in the end. I don’t know if that’s at the end of whatever season you’re in or at the end of this life. I hope it’s sooner than later. My faith makes me enough of an optimist to believe that things will get better. Either way I’m grateful. In the meantime, he is my refuge, my place of safety, and I trust him.
God, please help my friends who identify with this post. Life is not kind, but you are. I pray they would see your kindness and goodness in their life today. Let them find true refuge in you.
I’m okay with the idea that God sometimes causes hardship. Shari and I have certainly been through our share of injustice from those within the church, and tragic circumstances not of our own making. And, yes, our temptation has often been (due to errant teaching) to say, “But God, we’ve been faithful in XYZ. Why is this happening to us? We don’t deserve it!”. However, I have found great comfort in the story of Joseph who was sold into slavery where he was unjustly accused spending years in Pharoah’s dungeon to ultimately become the Prime Minister of Egypt. He went through these things by God’s own hand who “meant it for good”. And what was that good? It was to save the very brothers who sold him into slavery. Secondly, I find great comfort in God’s “non-answer” to Job, “Where were you when…..?”, and “Who did XYZ?”. At the end of the day, it is the logical conclusion of the blasphemy of Prosperity theology so pervasive to the modern “church” that leads us to believe that our works have earned us something and that our suffering means that God is unjust. It is so difficult for Westerners to understand that “He is made strong in our weakness” and what it truly means to “fellowship in Christ’s suffering”. There is so much that I don’t understand. I don’t believe I can fully understand my brother’s sudden death, the suicide of my cousin, the dysfunction of my massive family, and the unwarranted hatred of many who have identified themselves with God….etc…..this side of eternity. BUT…I find my only true peace in knowing that God who is capable of wiping my memory from the earth is concerned with my individual place in this world for the purpose of His will and to His glory alone which ultimately benefits me because He is perfectly just and perfectly loving at the same time without contradiction.
Soli Deo Gloria
Thanks, Paul!
Paul,
Thank you so much for sharing about your experience’s with god in your life.
The noise of the world can truly fog your mind of gods purpose and presence with us.